On your wedding day, you were filled with excitement about the future. Now, the future is here, and that excitement is gone, and what was once a beautiful relationship has all but completely fizzled out. You don’t do things together like you once did. You no longer communicate well with each other. Sex is almost non-existent. Your marriage seems to be broken beyond all repair. But, is it really? Many couples who find themselves in this situation simply throw in the towel and end up in divorce court, because they didn’t realize that they could take steps to save what they think is lost. Let’s take a look at how to fix a broken marriage before it ends in divorce court.
Write Down what Angers You
Before you can begin to work things out with each other, you both need to take time to think about what you really want. Each of you should sit down and make a list of the things that are bothering you. Ask yourself what you are angry about, and what you feel just can’t be fixed. Often, once you see things written out, you will realize that a lot of the issues aren’t what they seem, and there may be ways to fix them.
It is important that you write down not only what is bothering you about what you deem to be a failing marriage, but also what is bothering you in general. Any negative feelings we have, no matter what they are about, can affect a relationship. Just writing this list can be cathartic in itself, because you may be holding things in and don’t even realize it until you begin writing.
The old saying is true. It really does take two to tango. It may be that you are angry at your spouse, for various reasons. But, you also need to take a look at yourself, and what you can do to make the situation better. Instead of thinking about what you want them to do, ask yourself what you really want. For instance, if you are upset because your spouse isn’t paying their share of the bills, it isn’t going to help to nag them about it. This is actually going to have the opposite effect, and they will end up becoming resentful.
Instead of asking yourself what your spouse can do, ask yourself what you want done. Instead of saying you want them to pull more of their own weight, say that you want to find a way to get more bills paid off and be in a better financial situation. Then, look for ways that you can do this, and talk to your spouse about things you can do to improve your finances. There is usually a solution to most problems, if you just take the time to think about them rationally.
Stop Fighting and Start Communicating
Fighting with each other isn’t going to improve an already broken relationship, and it is likely going to make things a lot worse. The only way things are going to get solved is if you are able to sit down and talk about problems without letting a lot of negativity enter the conversation. As soon as either of you begins to criticize, complain, make snide comments, raise your voice, etc., it will no longer be a conversation, but a fight, and nothing is going to be solved.
If you are used to fighting with each other, it is going to take some effort to learn how to remain calm during discussions. Even if your spouse does not remain calm, you need to. If argument becomes heated, just walk away. Wait until you have both calmed, and try to discuss the issue again when you both have clearer heads. If you allow the argument to continue, it is only going to result in hurt feelings and more negativity.
Understand Yourself, and Your Feelings
When you have concerns, voice them. But, be sure do it in a way that is not negative or criticizing. This can be extremely difficult to do, so before you voice your concerns, write them down, as previously mentioned. Writing is a good way to get your feelings out, without getting into any arguments. You can write down everything that is bothering you. Then, take a look at what you have written. You will likely find that a lot of the things that bother you are practically insignificant, and can easily be worked on. You will also likely find that a lot of the issues come from yourself, and that you need to work on what you can do to be a better partner.
Once you have things on paper, you can then begin writing out the best ways to approach each item with your spouse. It may take a lot of re-writing until you are able to come up with exactly what you need to say, in a way that is going to be constructive and not completely negative. Then, talk to your spouse about these concerns, and see if you can come up with solutions that are going to be positive for both of you, and for your marriage.
Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help
Not all couples are able to fix their problems without outside help. Never be afraid to ask for help to fix your marriage. If your marriage is still important enough to you that you want to fix it, you will take any steps necessary in order to do so. Whether you are simply looking for marriage tips, or if you need actual marriage counselling, help is there when you need it.
In addition to seeking out counselling, you can also benefit from self-help books and e-books. Even if you are the only one interested in saving your marriage, there is still hope. After all, if both of you are no longer interested in working on your marriage, it is likely over. But, if one of you still has hope, there is a chance that things can turn around.
You can really benefit from the “Save the Marriage System”, which will provide you with a lot of the tools you need in order to get your marriage back on track. Learn how to deal with anger and resentment, the “5 Rules for Fair Fighting”, and the five things you shouldn’t do if your spouse wants out. Learn more about what this e-book can do for your marriage at Save The Marriage course.